“The Tea” // Sunday Journal Entry … Chit-Chat: That Relationship Was Terrible + You Are Beautiful

I know what it means to be in a relationship that was truly terrible + I mean shitty on every level.  Yes…my last three post were about relationship lessons + and while I feel like most of those things listed hold true + a whole other area of terrible comes to mind when I think about it.  I met him when I was 26 + and then it was exciting + it was everything that something casual should be + no strings + no commitment + no responsibility + and because I was a young mom it worked at that time.  But then a funny thing happened + I fell in love.  Don’t ask me how + he wasn’t treating me that great + so when I look back on that time in my life…I just don’t understand.  We did spend a lot of time together and I was drawn to this individual + because he took me away from the struggles and stress of being a single mom.  He wasn’t just in my life but in my child’s life and he was absolutely wonderful with her + I could really trust him and he always came through for me + but when it came to us…it was shitty. The main reason why it lasted was because I tolerated it + I allowed it [this is in the relationship lesson] + however I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.  He wasn’t a bad person + so I want to make that clear and I imagined myself with him + and married to him.  I immersed myself in something that was never there to begin with…[which is also in those lessons] + trying to make the unattainable … attainable.  This went on [off and on] for several years + I would put him out of my life + meet someone new + and magically there he was … making promises that he couldn’t keep + about shit that he knew nothing about.

As I got a bit older and I saw him less + but he still had the power to pull on my heart-strings.  I would meet other people + or he would feel me pulling away + and poof…he would magically appear in my life again for a short time … until finally I had enough.  I made up my mind that [that] would be the last time I would allow him to have that type of power over me.  By that time the love had gone away + and it was replaced with something else … determination.  That relationship [if you wanna call it that] lasted for 8 years.  I dated after off an on + but no one else would come into my life for a long time. I lost my mojo + and I didn’t want to be bothered with anyone.  I focused solely on my daughter and going back to school.  I wasn’t miserable because I was alone + I had learned to be solo in everything + and there is good and bad in that because you built up a tolerance to doing everything yourself and not letting anyone else in.  That changed last year + and while I’m apprehensive I am learning to let someone in.  The moral of this story friends is…look deep before you leap + and it’s not a selfish thing to think about yourself + and never let anyone make you feel like less than what you are or that you can’t do better. There is always better…

You are beautiful…I tell my child that all the time.  There are times when we feel like no on sees how beautiful we really are + and that beauty is based on the outer shell.  Sometimes it’s hard to feel beautiful + because beauty can be wrapped up in all types of different things.  Does your skin make you beautiful + your hair + your body + or your smile.  Is beauty in the eye of the beholder..is a pretty face a just a pretty face.  Is beauty substance + or do we feel substantial when someone says your beautiful.  Most Black women find there beauty + and identity in the things that make us unique + like your hair and the tone of your skin. [to name a few]  I feel that everyone is beautiful + and there is something about us that enhances our beauty even beyond the surface or what you can see.  I have hormonal acne + so there are times when I don’t feel beautiful + and all I can see is my breakouts.  Sometimes self-confidence goes beyond beauty.  It’s that thing that carries you + that makes you feel like nothing else in this world.  So today and everyday + I will say that I am beautiful + I’m beyond this acne + I’m beyond my body type + I’m beyond…I am beautiful. … with that I’ll close this Tea Session.  I’ll be back next Sunday with more to spill.  Thanks so much for visiting my blog today + and don’t forget to like + follow + and subscribe.  — Know Thyself

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