Finding Happy

For a long time + I’ve done what everybody believes I should be doing + which is a recipe for everything miserable + I’ve listened to my parents about my job + and how I should be thankful in these times that I actually have a job with benefits + I’ve ignored the pangs of my friends telling me what they think I should be doing + and the constant questions of why I’m going to school + and “shouldn’t you be done by now” + and “why are you studying photography” + and “what can you do with that”.  While all of those questions are great + and the points are valid + I do wonder how I can parlay what I’ve learned into (at least) something part-time.  For the past few years I’ve been miserable crying at bedtime to the ceiling and asking the painful questions of why can’t I be happy + why am I not fulfilled + when I know a big part of that is related to my job.  I know that a job isn’t everything + which is exactly right + it’s a job + not a career + not what I love + and that is the root of my problem.

I have a pretty mundane life + and that’s the way I like it + because I can choose how I want to live it + or if I want it to stay exactly the way it is + which for the most part I do + my “photog-chicks” or rather + the ladies in my shooting group really help to ease these pangs +  and I believe that having like-minded people around you is key because you can bitch about how you feel + and you have someone to walk you off the ledge (so-to-speak) when you feel that desperation.  It’s a creative outlet  which I would recommend to anyone  who feels like they have no one to talk to.  Having that group is probably one of the best things that I’ve gotten out my college experience + but I know that deep down I need to do something about this constant ache. The ache that comes on every Sunday night when I know I have to get to mentally prepared for work + WHO HAS TO DO THAT!   A few years ago + I would start to get (physically) sick on Sunday evenings + literally my head would hurt + and I would get stomach cramps and body aches + just thinking about my Monday.  My “photog-chicks” + “The Mighty B” + and some creative counseling + really helped to get me past that funk (but not completely over it).  As I get older + and “B” is just months away from graduating college + I can no longer ignore how I feel + and it’s more apparent than ever that I need to make a career change.

Fear is an evil thing + Christian-folk (like myself) are taught that fear is the devil + it grips you + and can keep you from doing the best things in life + fear has held me hostage + and unhappy for many years + but at some point + I have to step off that ledge + and I know that the worst thing I can do is fail.  Failure is not such a big deal  + but you would never know that if your taught by your teachers + leaders and your parents that failure is the ultimate sin + and it’s the absolute worse thing that can happen.   In the past I felt like I would be letting so many people down + but where does that come from + at some point I have to stop worrying about other people + and focus that energy on “Me” + because “Me” is getting older + and I need to be able to be happy + and blissful + with just little ole “Me” + and that’s how I’ll find my happy.

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